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Saturday, January 10, 2009

The What-If's of Life

I generally try not to think of "what-if......" scenarios because they are a total waste of time and there is nothing you can do to change what happened in the past..... BUT this afternoon I got news that my mother got arrested last night while at a wake for public intoxication and public nusence (sp). NICE, get arrested from somewhere that people are mourning the loss/celebrating the life of a loved one... You know how every family has that crazy aunt or cousin, well in my case its my mother... So I can't help but wonder about some of the what ifs that could've changed my life and her life as well, such as; what if my grandparents hadn't taken me for the weekend that turned into a 16 year weekend? What if my dad hadn't killed himself? What if she had never taken meth? What if she hadn't given my brother Mike up for adoption? What if the first time she went through rehab (when I was 8) had rehabilitated her? What if she chose to be a mom, could she of done it? Could she ever chose to be a mom? I guess a lot of these questions could be started with If Only....

Honestly most of these got sparked by watching Mama Mia! today, just watching the mother/daugher relationship...... Not that I'm the best mother in the world but I know without a doubt that my children will never experience what I've experienced being my mother's daughter. They will never have to wonder when I'm going to fall off the wagon and how long my sobrierty will last this time...... They will never have to wonder if I'm going to come back when I drop them off.... I know that most everything that I've learned and the person I am is because of my grandparents and having a good relationship with my grandmother, but there has always been that void....... I can honestly say I love my mom but I sure have a hard time liking her. I guess all I can do is hold fast to my family and the strenghth that I get from my Heavenly Father, and I can pray for my mom and hope that my sister and brother will look at her and see that it's just not worth it to even go down that path.....

9 comments:

Jen said...

Oh Tiffany! You are so strong! What a tough past you've had . . . but it obviously has taught you much and that will enable you to do things differently and grow stronger. We all love you!

Angie said...

Tiff, you are one of the strongest women I know. You've been put through more than any of us would even care to imagine. I don't know how you do it. I love you so much and I'm so lucky to be your friend! You're truly an inspiration. You've broken the cycle and your kids are proof of that. You're a great mom, friend, and wife. That's all that matters. :) HUGS.

Sell...Party Of 3 said...

I have a soft spot in my heart for you, and your situation. I always hoped that my Mom would change, and it wasn't until this last Sept I finally decided to have nothing to do with my Mom. It was hard, and I understand the void that you are talking about. I weighed the pro's and con's, and I took the loss of my Mom. I couldn't imagine having my Mom do the things that she does to me, to my daughter. That is where I found my strength to never speak to her again. It is hard, and I long to have that mother/daughter relationship. Unfortunately I will just have to find it in Savannah and I. It is hard to realize that your Mom isn't the best thing for us. Life is hard. I'm here for you.

Krystal said...

I wish I had something to say that would be of comfort... but I can't think of anything really profound other than I'm sorry. I always thought you were such a cool person in junior high and high school, and even now you amaze me. I was never aware of the trials surrounding you growing up; I think seeing how well you have turned out is truly a testament to your strength and testimony. Good luck during this hard time. It's parents like you who will change the world with the children they raise.

About Us said...

You are a strong one! You have also had some good grandparents to help you along the way. But, all of the things you have had to deal with in your life have made you who you are. So, try not to "what if" your way out of your life because you are loving and kind, and have beautiful family.

Just me and my girls said...

I LOVE YOU Tiff....You are a PERFECT mother, and your grandpa & grandma (grandmama) did a Fantastic job. You use to always tell me things are they way they are for a reason. CALL ME SOON! We need a girls day.

Love you tons,
Mindi

BrittneyandDoug said...

What a hard thing to go through. I am also very happy for you that you have such great grandparents and that you were able to come out of everything okay and be amazing! Your boys are very lucky!!

Ryan and Laura said...

Don't we all have those moments we wish would could trade lives with someone? Then we look back and think how grateful we are for the experiences we've had because they made us who we are and we learned a lot! I really admire people like you who have had experiences like yours and still turn out AMAZING!

Cindy said...

Tiffany,
I'm so sorry you've had to endure such hardships in your life. Things a child should never have to worry about. I have a sister who was on meth for a while and she gave up her kids to her ex husband who was also messed up and ended up killing himself last summer. She has fortunately cleaned up her act a lot in the past few years but her sons have had such a rough time of it. I just pray they can come out stronger for all of the garbage they put up with growing up, like you did. I admire your strength.