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Sunday, April 6, 2014


School is doing a number on me. Both me being a student and me being an instructor at the boys school. I now have to refer to EA as "work" and school as "my school". School is much more personal and important to me this time around. It's more important this time because if I don't pass a class we will have to pay for it, but it's also more important because of the time I'm spending both in going to classes and spending on the computer doing homework. It's the time that is killing me, physically and mentally, but the time that I waste on really stupid things (including perusing blogs that I just HAVE to read) seem so selfish and idiotic. What am I doing and why am I doing it? I need to ask myself, is this necessary and helpful before I log into anything or do anything. And keep those questions at the fore front at all times.

 When I have the time, usually first thing in the morning and right before I go to sleep I find my mind wandering to the time before I went to school, and even more often to the time when I wasn't working, what did I do with all that time? Was my house any cleaner? Maybe. Did I cook more meals? Yes. I definitely went grocery shopping more often then once every 3 months. Were we happier as a family? I have no idea.

When I'm at work teaching those adorable kids, I feel so fulfilled and like I'm right where I need to be. 
But there are times that my heart literally aches to be with AJ, and it's those times that I wonder if we're doing the right thing. 

I'm not sure of any decisions right now. One thing I am sure of is that running makes me happy. The last 8ish years I've put all these conditions on running, I've decided to let them all go and just do it. I'm going to train for the St. George marathon even though it is so time consuming, it's something that I want to do, it's something I want my boys to see their mom do.

For now I'll just keep going and just keep doing what I'm doing, and keep on praying that the path that I'm supposed to take will be shown.

1 comment:

Ami said...

You're fighting the same battle that most moms do. And there is never enough time for all the things... so you have to pick things. And hope you're picking the right things. You've given it a lot of thought. You'll look back and wish you'd done things differently, I think that's just being human. We always second guess ourselves.

I admire the marathon thing... never in a million years for me, even when I was young, thin, and athletic.

Hang in there, you're a good mom and you're doing a lot of tough jobs.