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Friday, May 15, 2009

My daddy-o!

Yesterday, May 14th, marked the 13th anniversary of my father's suicide, I was 16 and very angry at the time. He and my mom got married when I was in 5th grade, and again I wasn't very happy with that blessed event. My mom had just gotten done with rehab and was finally home, then she met Brent, and at first he tried too hard. But as soon as I gave him a chance I was SO happy he had come into our life. He had a motorcycle when they first met and he would take me for rides up the various canyons here, and I vividly remember seeing the most beautiful colors and sitting by the river and just listening to nature and loving every minute of it... Then when I was 13 Hailey Marie Elizabeth was born, and Brent became my dad, he adopted me!! I remember feeling like I was the luckiest girl on the planet, this really cool guy loved me and wanted to be my dad! And I got a baby sister to play with. For the first time in my life it seemed like I was going to get what I wanted, to have my parents actually be my parents. We did fun things as a family, went to California a couple of times, Lake Tahoe, just he and I drove to California together, and that was when he made me listen to Garth Brooks, and I've loved him ever since. We finally got our own home at the beginning of my sophmore year, I was SO excited, I had the whole basement to myself, and thought it was so great that we were all together. Shortly before Hailey was born he my dad had to have shoulder surgery, and I think that is when he got addicted to pain killers. The last 6 months weren't fun, which is why I was just angry, he was stealing from us and my grandparents, and all I saw was my mom crying. One of the last times I saw him alive was horrible for me, I had come home after early morning dance practice because I had forgotten some things, and I was getting ready to head back to school, he drove up with a car full of some SCARY looking guys, so I ran to the door and locked it, then ran into the bathroom, and the next thing I know he is slamming the door and yelling that he saw me and I better come out, so I did and he looked crazy. He was ransacking their bedroom looking for stuff to pawn or money, I just remember feeling so sick that all I could do is stand there... I started crying and asked him to just stop and he just pushed past me and got back in the car and drove away, the next time I saw him he was dead. 13 years ago May 14th fell on Mother's Day, obviously he wasn't in his right mind, and I'm sure he didn't know what day it was... Again another very vivid moment in my memory, my mom, sister and I had moved back to my grandparents in a day, and we were all sitting out on the front lawn talking about dad, he had agreed to go into rehab and we had been hopeful, but then we had gotten a call from them that he had left, and we didn't know where he was... Then I remember looking at the front door and seeing my grandma on the phone, when she hung up she was very upset and said that it was Brent that she was talking to, she had begged him to tell her where he was so she could go get him, but he wouldn't tell her, he just kept saying "I'm sorry, take care of my girls, I'm done causing everyone pain." The next day it was drill team tryouts at school, my mom still blames me for my family not taking action in trying to find him and help him because no one wanted to upset me before I had tried out..... I can't really remember the timeline, it may have even been Tuesday before I tried out, but I remember again very vividly I tried out and as soon as I was done, I walked out of the gym and down the hallway and my grandpa had come in the school to find me. I will never forget the look on his face and the way he seemed slumped over. I asked him if we knew where my dad was and he said that he and grandma had gone and identified his body and just started to cry. All I could think of was the last time I saw him and I remember I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything, and at his funeral I was happy to see all my friends and I actually remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I just wanted to go home, that I didn't want to be there anymore, and my little sister's babysitter overheard me and said that one day I would regret going home (as if my grandma or mom would let me out of their sight for even 5 minutes so that I could've escaped), she was right....
It really wasn't until I had my own children that I FINALLY grieved for my dad, don't get me wrong after his funeral I did cry and was sad, I was SO confused at the time and didn't understand... But when I saw my husband holding William in the hospital I had the overwhelming feeling that my dad was there and wishing he could hold the grandson that he had just sent down from heaven. I kept seeing my dad holding my sister in the hospital and being SO proud in my head over and over, it was then that I realized he had to of been in a horrible place to really think that his family would be better off without him. I can't wait for the day that our family can be sealed together, and I know that he is watching over us. Everyone in my family has had experiences that they have felt him and or seen him. When Matthew was born we gave him my dad's middle name, and Matthew had a head full of red hair, just like my dad's... I really feel like it was my dad saying, "see, you are my daughter", (my biological dad has black hair and really dark skin). I do miss him terribly but I do feel comforted in knowing that he is watching over us and in the knowledge that I will see him again someday! I will post some pics that I've found of him soon!

5 comments:

steph said...

I love you Tiffy. I remember bits and pieces of that from my end. You're amazing.

Sovic Clan said...

Aww Tiff~! I think that is so great that you see him in your kids and can remember good memories with him!

Derek-Jenny-Kaitlynd-Ethan-Dylan said...

Tiffy
I only wish I could have been there for you more during that time.
I am glad that you are putting it down and coming to terms with it. It shows such strength. You are such an amazing woman!

Kristy said...

Love you Tif, You are a brave and strong woman...I admire you in so many ways.

Burke Cynthia said...

You have had a lot of high cards dealt your way and I really admire you for the woman, and mother you are today.